Confucious said “It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you keep going.” This mantra is tattoed somewhere in my karmic weaving, I am quite sure, but there are days even I start to forget this. I really don’t like whining and in the typical “judge others you judge yourself” self awareness I love/hate I realize my irritation with it is because I am sounding whiny and annoying in my head these days and certainly a bit on the outside as well. If I went into the reasons here it would just feed the wrong wolf so trust me on this fact, I am frequently meandering off the gratitude path.
Luckily I am surrounded by happy, grateful people, two of whom are my son and his wife. Yesterday, after my extra day one of three of work, I went to their house for my second bike riding lesson. Rick did a bunch of online research about how to teach an old dog (mature person like me) new tricks (riding a bike). I managed to actually lift my feet a few times and let the bike coast a few squares before dropping my feet to stop, and did my first minor freak out and fall. I have incredibly patient teachers and my fear has dropped to healthier levels than my original intense panic.
After the bike lesson, Dawn and I went to the pool. It was very hot, murky and full of bugs and children. I am being all Negative Nancy and Dawn is “Well, I will say I like swimming better in the morning”. She rocks. We did swim for an hour but I only got a couple laps in and only two full lengths. I showed up, almost phoned it in actually, but showed up for both.
Funny thing is that even as some part of my brain is having a little temper tantrum that I really have bitten off more than I can chew and I should just admit defeat and quit, another part is looking at two months of progress and saying…”hey, OK so we show up in October and finish, that’s all, no big deal. No point quitting now, look how far you’ve come.” I am choosing to listen to that voice.
Other realization this morning is that I get whiny and complainishy (yea, made a word up, we can all get over it now) when I feel guilty about “not being enough”. I have an awesome friend who has had surgery and I still haven’t gotten across town to see him, many of my bills have been late and I have new obligations I am still unsure how I will meet, there are numerous tasks around the house that are undone or half done due to my exhaustion when I do get home from my extra hours, and therefore I feel bad about myself and begin to make excuses!
There I said it, sometimes I am the kind who makes excuses. There are two kinds of people, those who make dreams come true and those who make excuses. I am both. Except throughout the annoying excuses I still keep showing up to life. I would love to say I am doing my best but the very fact I am whining again tells me that deep inside I know I am not doing my best. I need once again to re-examine, re-prioritize and make yet another list of what I need to do, want to do, and what I think I should be doing and then re-configure my actual life to coincide with the plan.
Often all this does for me is help me see how close I am to my real plan, but frequently it also helps me find creative ways to do more and expect less, giving me back a grateful approach to myself and my life which makes everything better.
Anyway, my alarm went off and I so I must get ready for work. My money tree failed to flower this year do to drought I think so have to earn it the old fashioned way which means picking up shifts where ever I can, although this weeks extra three days has more to do with friendship and doing the right thing than it does with them money.
Apologize for the roughness. Will edit and improve this blog entry tomorrow morning. For now may I wish that we all travel safely, that we may find such health and prosperity as may bring us physical happiness; such gratitude and compassion as may bring us spiritual happiness and that we may live with ease.