“I looked at God, he winked at me, I made this mess myself….”

I love “Full Circle” by Creed almost as much as I love “Crossroads” by Don McLean, they pretty much say it for me, whatever “It” is.

Which only segues into my post today by way of my own tangential approach to everything.

About 5 years ago I changed jobs, against people’s, even friends, recommendations to retire and take disability, I looked for a new way to make lives better.

I decided to complete a triathlon because focusing on what I could achieve with work was better than focusing on pain, shortness of breath and the very real potential of death. Yup, she (Death, I’m a Gaiman fan, get over it) and I are old friends.

My life came together, I was told I was Cancer free, I was doing a job I loved, and then……

So life fell apart completely again this year,

Up until Thursday night I was feeling so completely defeated I cannot even begin to describe it. I wondered why I had even fought my way back to health 5 years ago, I was so tired of being sick and tired and poor that I was trying very hard to talk myself into going against my inside voices and just saying F*** I*. I could become just one more of my generation hanging out taking what the world “owed” us, walk away from my stuff, my responsibilities because I didn’t believe that my last five years had mattered, take disability, or better yet blow off all the medical appointments and just be a nomad again.I haven’t been liking myself much.

Mostly because I kept trying to figure out where I had gone wrong, trying to pull this piece of the tapestry or that one. I wasn’t looking for how I could take the current threads and weave a better picture, I was looking for the one thread to blame. I wanted to angrily rip up the fabric, forgetting that none of them can come away without destroying a pretty amazing picture, ignoring the amazing picture, calling the texture flaws.

Even as my amazing and incredibly unselfish friends swooped in and rescued me yet again, I was honestly feeling very sorry for myself.

Like so many others I was stuck on that third note of the scale again…you know, ME ME ME ME ME ME…..

Then thursday night I was extremely pleasantly knocked from my “why why why whine” and “me me meme” by receiving the Above and Beyond Award at my work inservice. 18 babies, I have helped 18 children and their families as well as a couple adults maximize the quality of their lives and achieve greater quantity in most cases.

This chance to really matter would not have happened if someone I cared for deeply had not totally betrayed and terrified me I would not have left my hospice job (he worked there, above me) And the three most meaningful patient relationships came directly from me moving outside my financial comfort zone to San Tan Valley.

I do not know what my regrowth after the current firestorm will look like, I just was given a much needed retrospective on just how important it was to keep doing my best to be the best me I can be.

Thank you to everyone who has loved, supported and been patient with me; you are the ones who deserve this award. Eighteen plus patients, and their families, and well, me are tremendously better off for your choices.

Love you all, and this week, kind of loving me again.

In other news, NANOWRIMO!!!!!!