….  and I’ve got nothing to regret”

Another year older as of yesterday, or more accurately the last 364.25 days; I am in my late 50’s, far past any medical expiration date and even farther past any expectations of certain teachers, counselors and nay sayers.

“But I am all tied up on the inside, no one knows quite what I’ve got, and I know that on the outside, what I used to be I’m not anymore.”

I am another year older, with the weight and wrinkles to show for my journey once again through the valley of  “I’m Not Dead Yet.” I tire easily and breathe with too little exertion. I am walking and swimming and keeping track of what goes in, effort out, stretching and rolling and seeding and making step after step and breath after breath towards my  goals.

“You know I’ve heard about people like me
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they’ve gone the wrong direction.
But there’s no need for turning back
Cause all roads lead to where I stand;
And I believe I’ll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.”

I am still so far from the person I want to  see in the mirror, the soul reflected clearly in the mirror of meditation and just as far from the person I would be for my patients, my friends, my family and lovers. So another year begins…

My next guided spiritual journey is through Buddhism, brought to me by Pema Chodron’s “No Time to Lose,” and my current life coach is “The Book of Forgiving.” I am back to “Thrive” and “Your First Triathlon” for my physical training.  I have a greater yearning to travel, not just the far away places still on my bucket list like Australia and Antartica, or even Alaska (what’s with all these “A”s), but a stronger yearning to go back to Noank and Mystic, to touch my ocean and on the way hug and connect with the few people who did not so much remain through my life as periodically  resurface.  Each person I chatted with or thanked for my birthday greeting in real time or FB is a reminder of how gifted I have been with people to both love and by whom to be loved.

“Can you remember who I was?
Can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain?
Can you heal it?

Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole
Once again.”

So many people, so many different times, so many ways I have been broken, or fallen down, and every time life has placed a hand if I would reach, not so much to pull me up, but to walk beside me as I faced the challenges. We all get broken sometimes. It is up to us to make a new and beautiful mosaic, or sit in the ruins and throw the shards of our life at every body else’s art.