I am coming to the realization that I have a harder time accepting the good in my life than dealing with the bad. I use gratitude lists, I work on generosity and discipline, I even succeed at them sometimes.
I verbalize the belief that we don’t get what we deserve, we get what we get and then choose to make trash or treasures. Sometimes we get the seeds of amazing things and sometimes we get the fertilizer to make them grow. I am still better at making compost than growing vegetables and flowers.
My next project, after the triathlon, is a small plot community garden (the program comes with classes taught by an accomplished farmer to teach me what I don’t know ). Right now though, I am 20 days away form my first race.
I learned to swim in a pool provided by my son and daughter-in-law (gonna go brave its chillier waters again tomorrow and Thursday, just a few more practices left); and finally learned to ride bikes (with my sons’ help) on bikes I was given. This race wouldn’t happen without the love and support of many friends and family. My goal is to finish so I am still running 3 times a week (more walking 5K than running a mile since knee injuries but still MUch, much better than day one), swimming 2-3 times a week and new goal is to ride bike every day so I can feel comfortable with balance and turning, etc.
Still eating the proverbially whale one bite at a time..
I receive so many gifts every day, just form the “Big One”, waking up breathing, talking, and moving; to the little ones like meeting nice people in a checkout line. My life is so amazing right now, its like I am afraid to relax into the happy, afraid that if I do, it will again get taken away from me.
When Jody and Steve first told me they were giving me a bike, I wanted deeply to refuse it. It was too much, more than I deserved I though, but I then I know I am hurt when others refused my generosity or hospitality, so I thanked them, accepted it, and it has become an integral part of my training at home.
I still hesitate and worry about imposing on Dawn and Rick and Dallon, even as they invite, give, support and encourage as we train together for our races. I put myself in their place and shut off the fear of letting anyone help me and just say “Thank-you” and keep showing up.
Saturday I received a very unexpected gift and initially wanted to give it back. I could think of so many other people who “deserved the kindness more” . It took me 48 hours to just say thank-you and embrace the love it represents.
Clearly I still gravely need to work on ego. “I am worse than everyone else and undeserving” is just the shadow side of “I am better than everyone else and deserve more. ”
In truth I am extremely blessed, and will try each day to get a little better at cultivating the gifts I am given.
Thank you Universe….for all of it, the seeds and the compost materials of this week. Especially thank-you for and to the people who surround and support me with love and strength while I work on all my triathlon skills; the physical , mental and emotional for the race I’ll run in 20 days and the race my soul has been running for half a century.