So today is truly a “Tale of Two Cities” time.
The best of times;
1. well I love my job, I love helping families become the experts on their own children while providing support and care for these little babies. And I work for the best company in the Valley for this kind of care.
2. I still have a roof over my head, food on my table and beautiful golden furry friends to love on.
3. I have amazing human friends who have provided everything from prayers and emotional support to acupressure and a stunning new haircut, and have made loans or donations making it possible to have #2.
4. Thanks to saying yes to a Sunday shift, financially I am able to take two days off and recover a bit from this last round of medicine which means I can take the medicine that helps me cope with the repercussions of taking the other medicine. LOL
5. I am happy. At my core I am at peace. I know it will all be Ok.
So many years and in so many times when things were actually much better than they are today, I was afraid, sad and shameful. I was afraid of losing what happiness I had, afraid I was not enough, sad that I was odd, and ashamed that my mind worked differently than others. I was afraid to ask for help no matter how badly I needed it and ashamed that I needed help, and always just so sad.
Hard to believe isn’t it if you know me now. Becoming happy was like so many other things I have accomplished, a choice followed by baby step upon baby step. I do still get angry, find myself slipping into the “it’s not fair, why me, poor me” narcissism that seems programmed into so many of us; but then I make a different I/O choice and think “why not me?” and who within my circle can I reach out and help today. Maybe some of what I do is denial and deferral, but some things I can’t change.
The “worst of times” part of my today, like having life altering illness and feeling like crap today, or the accompanying enormous amounts of debt and the stresses therein, I can’t change. How I deal with them I can, one decision at a time.
So I really am, I am happy because I learned I can be and because I learned that happiness is a choice I make and happiness is what I deserve.
As does all life.