“Gotta look on the bright side
With all of your might
I’d fall for her still anyhow

When you’re dancing her dance
You don’t stand a chance
Her grip of romance makes you fall

So you think, might as well
Dance a tango to hell
At least I’ll have tangoed at all

The ‘Tango Maureen’
Gotta dance ’til your diva is through..”

Personally I think the whole Maureen/Joanne relationship is not explored enough when people talk about the phenomena of RENT, and not just because Joanne spells her name the right way, meaning my way of course, but because its loving the hard to love that make us awesome. Anyone can love an Angel, and when the only guarantee is separation, it makes the love all the sweeter. But Maureen, she is not just a piece of work, she is a masterpiece of narcissism and cruelty in a perfect package and without a touch of malice.  But I can’t help but love her and feel a little sad that she and Joanne can’t have a happy ending.

And we all have our Maurine’s.

Not lesbian lovers, exactly, but those things we do, people we love, choices we make, that from the outset other people think are a little bit crazy.

We all have people and times in our life that cause great drama, pain and distress but without which we would be so much less alive and strong. I have Tangoed with a slew of Maurines, I guess that is why I have so few regrets, and the ones I have are about the times when I let fear rule my choices.

Now I know you are wondering what all this has to do with my promised update, well I’ll tell you.

I have been sort of beating myself up about this choice or that choice or what I could have done different while simultaneously living in “what if’s” every single night the pain has awakened me and it just keeps me from going back to sleep. So yes, I have Tangoed a time or two in my life with a Maureen or two, I have rarely made the safe choices and maybe all this is my deserved universal come-uppance. If you really believe this though, I kind of doubt you would be reading my blog so lets just agree I, like most people, have not always made the best choices, but good things happen to bad people (have you met the men at the top of the 1%) and bad things happen to good people (um, pick a religion or cause, then picture their martyr, Ok?).

I don’t get what I deserve. What I get is an amazing outpouring of love and support each time I fall and also I get a few falls.

This is what is happening. I spent a few days in the hospital and missed 2.5 weeks of work and have returned to an abbreviated schedule. I am tired a lot, have increased pain, some shortness of breath and new meds. No we don’t know anything for sure yet. Yes I am OK. Yes I have a lot more tests and a possible surgery coming up in October, and yes I have the utmost faith in my doctors.

Can you help?

Sure, there are a lot of ways you can help. My portion of my bill so far through the VA for just this interlude is a a little over 800$; I also have another 25,000$ in outside the network bills again for the care December to July. Thank God for insurance or these bills would be much higher.  To help with these use the “Donate” button on my Blog. That usually all goes to pay my medical bills.  For a limited time only, if you donate you can pick if I will use it to pay my medical bills, pay my rent, buy dog food, or put gas in my car; although if you ask me, rent is what I am most worried about again.

Also, pray, light a candle, do a physics experiment, drop an apple on somebodies head….I don’t care how you do; everytime you imgine me whole and living in abundance, you are truly helping.

Am I scared, hell yeah, Courage isn’t the absence of fear. Am I more neurotic than usual, ummmm,  no? Maybe? Yes? Depends.  Let me get back to you on that one.

But am I OK? Definitely, I am fine! That is what Piglets do best.

I totally keep reassuring people and people keep reassuring me that, once again, I am going to be just fine, but honestly the last few months as the first of the month rolls around and my few bills are due, I wonder how and when that will happen.

But in the big picture, I am fine. Alive, prepping to do 31 Poems in 31 Days, then Nanowrimo, then volunteer at Fan Con here in Phoenix. I am still on hiatus from College, back to walking and swimming so I am ready to run when they say I can run and bike again, and back to eating healthy and believing in the impossible.

Remember that “impossible” triathlon I got a silver in a few years back? Well my next impossibility is to hike the Appalachians…so who wants to help me train….I figure a race or two will help me get there.