Sometimes I wonder if I am ever gonna make it home again..

As I mentioned a few days ago, my word for the year is accountable. I like this word and how it is already shaping my responses to things. I like the left-brained rationality of the word. Accounting makes me think of delicious rows of arabic symbols in red and black columned neatly tallied, summed, balanced. Balance is a critical component of accountability, but balance in life is so much harder to find than even the most complicated bookkeeping.

Or is it really. I have chosen to believe that in the past. But suddenly I see this year stretching forward with a clear-cut balance sheet.

What are my assets? 365 days of 24 hour days, each hour replete with 60 minutes made up of 60 seconds each.

And me.

That’s a lot of assets, how will I spend my time and energy?

Things on the debit side always include the Renaissance Faire; this year, no opening day, and two visits at the most. Also I will be stepping down from my position at Phoenix Comicon, totally psyched by the new leadership for Outdoor Programming, (TJ is the Best) and I will still be a support worker, but odds are pretty good my attendance will be minimal or non-existent. Also no new Legos or Build a Bears or Books or Games or other things that cost money, require storage and dusting; much of what I have already accumulated will continue to shed off because each of these purchases represent hours of work first to acquire then to upkeep.

New items I will be investing in include Peace of Mind and World Peace. Yup, I plan to spend time I have freed up to attend training at the Kadampa Center and revitalize a neglected meditation practice.

Lot’s of the “things” that have been my focus in the past will be slipping away as I focus on transforming my life by controlling the only thing I have control over, my mind.

I am full circle, house sitting for the woman who first helped me truly see that I had no control in my life at all. Once again I am homeless for all intents and purposes, I am seriously in debt, both physically and financially overdrawn, and more clearly alone.

Not in the feel  sorry for me, I am so aloooooone way, but in the I am the only one who can face my demons and truly find a new path for myself.

In 2016, I will be the wind, not the balloon.


P.S. For the record, yes, Joe and I are over. If you already know why, cool, if you don’t, you probably won’t. Yes, I still have an amazing job, although missing an entire week of work means my level of broke just reached 12 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Will I be OK, sure there are currently no up front co-pays required for my medical care, and I have a new place to live on January 15 and barring another crisis, will have all my move in fees. I will be out of Tempe completely by the 30th. Still kind of eastside, though.

No worries guys, the universe has me in its loving hands, I trust the process, everything will be OK.

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