Composting Grief
Hidden anguish slimes and molds
Putrifying,
Bitter sulfur assaulting, overwhelming the senses
Lethal carcinoma of the spirit
Exterminates hope.
Grief shared
Encounters
Aerobic decomposition.
Losses layered with laughter become strengths
Watered with tears, recombined by conversation
Innoculated dream decay
grows love.
CC
Home
Home has forever been defined for me by lines from a Robert Frost poem
and the clicking of two ruby shoes.
The poem is Death of a Hired Man
the words are found close to the end of the poem
I cried the hardest I think I ever had the first time I read it
Not for the hired man
I wasn’t yet eight
and the edges of my world were just beginning to curve;
the gravity of my situation spinning less around me
and more around others
as my galaxy gave forth to wider humane scape.
I did not cry for the hired man, I cried for me.
Knowing for sure
that in this world, I had no home
“Warren,’ she said, ‘he has come home to die:
You needn’t be afraid he’ll leave you this time.’
‘Home,’ he mocked gently.
‘Yes, what else but home?
It all depends on what you mean by home.
Of course he’s nothing to us, any more
then was the hound that came a stranger to us
Out of the woods, worn out upon the trail.’
‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.’
‘I should have called it
Something you somehow haven’t to deserve.’
For everything in my world was earned
deserved
(or so I was told and chose to believe)
from the ample bruises to the sparse hugs
and when life was moonlit only and clouds hid even that,
I knew no arms would
or should
take me in..
So in answer to that knowledge I have taken in all hounds,
harbored the homeless
loved the strangers
pillowed the head of all the hired men my home,
my arms and fires could warm.
but never found
never allowed
my own home.
Then there were the two ruby shoes
and there “No Place Like Home” magic,
so far as I could see
the red shoes brought Dorothy back to the same grey places
the same tired faces
from first viewing at four to somewaht past ten
I knew I would not use those shoes at all.
I sang and dreamed of that place Over the Rainbow
so much like my father’s heaven,
yet different, more like Frost’s home, unearned.
Dorothy was no witch at all, just a simple little girl
And knew if I had those shoes
I would not come back to my grey life again.
Perhaps it was the song by America, but probably not
I think the lyrics by rote came first, the wisdom came years later
all I know is somewhere as I grew
Oz began to mean a place where I learned what I already knew
appreciated what I already had
my smallness by a journey made greater.
CC
I finished my newspaper work on time, and even turned in the right file this time. (Whole other story and not a pretty one, mind you. It was evidence that my tech skills are that of a dinosaur even if my words occasionally are more highly evolved. And Nov 19 issue looked great and they had tons of timely previously cut material to cover my boo boo. Less than half of what I write sees the page usually, although most of it is available online, due to space constraints.
Anyway, anyone who wants to read my current professional work can find it at www.santansun.com. Nope, no byline, but most of the articles in the AZ Arts section are cobbled together by yours truly from press releases, websites and phone calls. My stuff is way at the back starting I think on page 58 through page 65 and the new Editor rewrote my best headlines, but hey, no words are sacred and that is the way the professional writer flavored cookie crumbles or the one about Warhol influenced art at the post office would have the headline “Pop goes the easel”.
My nano novel is going slow. Will get back to it in the morning. Had to say hi to the blogosphere. Need to go to bed now if I am going to write before going to my “boot camp” training in the AM.
I am not going to talk about the Occupy movement and how that all went down. I don’t have enough clear facts about what happened to cognizantly defend my initial reaction (which I have to everything including social networks and GPS), namely “OMG, I am living in that Orwellian dystopia future I read about as a teenager. ” Then after thinking these thoughts, unfortunately and like so many of the rest of us, I go back to my routine. Mostly I go back to what I normally do because I do not understand the purpose of the movement or how I can actually effect their goals. I do oppose the use of police force to squelch free speech and I do believe money and the few who have most of it control large portions of our government. I think that’s evident from the inability to get anything done in Washington, regardless of what percentage of persons in America believe we need infrastructure jobs or the rich paying their fair share of taxes, Big Brother won’t let it happen.
But I also go back to what I do because I cannot save the world if I can’t even tend my own garden of needs. I have bills to pay and mouths (to BIG canine mouths besides mine) to feed, and people who depend on me to meet my responsibilites. I try to change the world a little bit by smiling and saying thank-you as often as I can, by buying local and buying organic if I can, by not consuming more than I need. My commitment is to “Ahimsa” as I understand it and integrating that into my daily small decisions and choices is my own Occupy movement. I am trying very hard to occupy with mindfulness the life I was given. I respect those whose path is different than mine, whose options and choices allow for them change the world in bigger, louder headline ways and don’t believe that resorting to sneakiness or force to stop them is right
So I guess I did talk about what happened to Occupy camps across America, but I am done now. And off to sleep so I can go work on the whole Slow Old Fat Triathlete becoming faster and thinner (however still getting older).
Happy Thanksgiving if I don’t get back before then, And don’t forget Small Business Saturday!
I am nano-ing.
I am back at my training.
I am also working very hard at another goal that right now seems as impossible as the triathlon seemed this time last year, and that goal is to get out of debt. Therefore I am working very hard taking all hours I can get as a nurse and doing a wee job with a local newspaper that actually seems to care about writing the local stories rather than just placing words on paper to fill the space between sold add space, which unfortunately seems to be the case in many of the free local papers.
(side note: If any readers know of paid copyediting work or paid non-byline writing opportunities I am all ears….or does that metaphor work on line? My dream job as a writer would be to again be writing the precis on the back of books, or be a book length published poet, because no one ever knows who those writer’s are. My brief brush with author fame and notoriety convinced me I really am much shyer and much thinner skinned than people realize)
Anyway, I really do mean to blog more frequently but that being said, we know which road me and my good intentions are on so here are my top 5 blogs to read when sadly mine is silent. (and I am doing 5 not 10 and doing this “from” favorite not “to” favorite because I am ever the rebel.
1. http://whatever.scalzi.com/ Scalzi is the grandpa of the online blog and although his claim to fame is sci fi writing there is no shortage of politics, humor and cuteness here. I especially recommend finding his Thanksgiving Advent section if maybe a smile is in order. Has a bit of a Mental Floss/NPR vibe.
2.http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/ Another blog I have read for at least a decade I believe. On which we have watched Wil Wheaton grow from a man I would have considered capable about lying about his “Mema” to someone who I would want to bake my own Mema cookies for cause he is that cuddly. This blog has more of a “People”magazing/LOLCats.com feel somedays, other days feels like reading a modern day Emerson.
3.http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/ This one is I hope self-explanatory, if not, click on the link and read a few entries. Everybody should floss daily!
4. http://www.wired.com/geekdad/ OK, this is often kind of like window shopping in the really expensive stores, other times, like his post on Mandelbrott it is as close to formal education as I get these days. (and yes, I really, really want the Angry Birds Board Game!)
5.http://imarriedanomnivore.com/ I have followed her and her recipes since she was on Blogspot. Sadly I haven’t added her to Facebook because I am weaning myself off facebook if it wasn’t for certain old friends and poets I would be done with it.
Anyway, I must get back to updating my nurse credentials, actually cooking and eating breakfast and adding to mynovels word count if not its plot. Later this week (in preparation for MY big shopping day “Small Business Saturday”) my five favorite local businesses and five favorite not as local but still not evil empire size shops.
But hey, whats your favorite blog or website? I really want to know?
P.S. I expect once I am sure of the facts (I know crazy of me isn’t it to check those out first) that there will also be a blog about the not very “American Values” response happening around the country to the Occupy movement.
This post is really about nothing. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Sit comfortably. Take a cleansing breath, close your eyes and ground. Each time your mind comes up with a new topic, acknowledge its process but go back to just focusing on your breath. When the time goes off, go back to frantic thinking, planning, scheming and general activity (or non-activity since you are probably on your computer like me right now)
Thank-you. That is all.
Three things I am working as hard to lose as the flab on my body is the tendency to blame, complain, and procrastinate.
The exercises I am using are meditation, gratitude and lists.
After a period of clearing the mind of its consistent chatter, I pick something that is bothering me and identify where my responsibility lies in it, what I can actually change. I have been doing this for awhile and just like running, swimming or riding a bike it is getting easier, more natural to do on the fly so to speak.
November is my annual gratitude month, my way of celebrating Thanksgiving. Was kinda psyched to see a favorite author Scalzi doing it (much more public and better written than my bedside one) and challenge you to check out http://whatever.scalzi.com/ and follow his gratitude. I loved the one about why he is grateful he doesn’t drink and the one about A/C, well, that makes my gratitude list a lot, living as I do in AZ. Most important two words in the English language are ” thank-you!”
As for procrastinating, I will write about that tomorrow…don’t want to be late for work. *grin*
So Halloween was brief for me. I mostly helped my “baby” finish cleaning his house, then fell asleep on my couch by 8. This morning I am going slow as well. Slept in till 0630. Seems funny to not be training with Dawn this morning…in two weeks I restart, mostly because of work schedule, starting tomorrow I work 5 days of 10plus hours, three days off and five more days of 10 or more hours. Will still run and bike a little today and then alternate them daily. Also completely back to clean eating. Enjoyed the little binge of carbs and grease and sugar and really tasty porter the last two days but my sinuses and joint pain remind me that clean eating is a bit better for my body, LOL.
Anyway I have eight stories to write for my newspaper job and 5000 words for Nanowrimo to get in today, but first off to finish the cleaning on y sons old apartment.
Namaste friends!
There is a video out in the cloud ( wanted to add the link but still on the techie learning curve with that one and opted for finishing the blog over obsessing on the link) that is of me at my heaviest, trying to get into my sons lifted jeep. It is hilarious and I try and try and try to get into the front seat with more creative contortions and finally succeed in getting up there, only I end up in there backwards.
I saw an obstacle, I set a goal, and when one method didn’t work, I tried again. I was persistent, creative and not afraid to laugh at my learning process. My son video taped it with my full permission. I wanted a record I could look at to remind me of how things really were, and well, because it was funny to be the person confuzzled by such a small challenge and figured it would make others laugh as well.
However, the real obstacle wasn’t the jeep, although that was what was the practical manifestation of the problem. The obstacle was a lifestyle focused on intake and excess of calorie consumption without disciplined expenditures, I was very fat and very out of shape.
I like running, but it is hard to run when your frame is bearing double its designed load and the support structure is weakened by disuse. I wanted to ride a bycicle, I liked the idea it looked fun, but I never learned as a child and I would full-on panic at sitting on a bike and lifting my feet. I like lots of outdoor activities but I was pretty inhaler dependent as well due to compromised breathing. I also really like food and it is easy to drop onto the couch, switch on a mechanism like the computer or TV that requires nothing of me but existence and a few finger pushes and consume addictively high calorie consolation for how hard it is to do what ever I am struggling with at the moment.
I would love to say that I suddenly had an epiphany that day I struggled to get into and addressed the real problem. I didn’t. I laughed at myself and made excuses for why I couldn’t change.
However last November when I moved to my new home I got on the scale and realized I was well on my way to adding a third persons weight to the two people I was already carrying on my frame and slowly began to make changes in how I ate and lived. I still did not have a concrete goal though and so my weight would go down a bit and up a bit and down a bit more and then up to the starting point.
I was also struggling with my health and depression again so I started rereading my go to people when I am tanking emotionally Kabat-zinn, Pema Chodron, Eckhart Tolle and remembered that to get somewhere one must have a destination. It was now May.
I have had completing a Triathlon on my bucket list for more than 5 years. However just “I wanna do a Triathlon” wasn’t enough to get it done. I picked a race date at the end of October and signed up. Now I had a deadline. I needed to find a place to swim, learn to swim, a bike, learn to ride the bike, and relearn how to run, and probably needed a trainer.
My personal obstacles were pedal neuropathy, physiologically reduced lung capacity, a now 237 pound body(I was on my way back down) on a frame meant to be 137, and a tendency to whine, some lower back and neck and shoulder issues. My liver wasn’t really happy with me either and I pretty much lived on Tylenol and Ibuprofen to keep moving through the bodily aches and pains.
And yesterday I met my goal.
The miracles along the journey were too many to even list or count from finding an incredible chiropractic practice through my friend Sara who were very willing to work with my limited finances (I did do a lot of over time and robbing Peter at first because the reduction in pain from going to Backfit of Gilbert was immense enough to know I needed the care), my daughter-in-law and son joining in and offering me not only the use of their pool but their side by side training support, same son and DIL and also Pat taking me to their gyms, the unexpected gifts of my bikes, my sons careful research and persistence in teaching me to ride the bikes, and the list goes on and on and on…
What I know today is life is full of opportunities to learn new skills, change old habits and focus on what works instead of what doesn’t. Wishing is a good first step. Then comes making a measurable goal. Next is making the effort, sweating the sweat, moving through the pain, believing anything is possible and somewhere along that road comes the miracle.
What’s up next for me…well continued training and an April race that is longer, where I will be even faster and stronger. And well, its November, which means Nanowrimo starts tomorrow and a 50,000 word novel will begin with one sentence.
After that, I am thinking maybe space travel.
I woke up scared.
I rode to the event fighting fear that kept me on the edge of tears. My friends and family were there supporting me and telling me I could do it.
And then I was in the pool and they were counting down the time 3…2…1 go! And I kicked off and there was no more fear only breathing and swim strokes.
I did it.
I swam. I biked. I ran. Not fast, not well but better than before I started to train and I took fifth in my weight class (I am an Athena) and second in my age group. My daughter-in-law who trained with me, kicked my butt on times and got a bronze cuz there are fewer Slow Old Fat Triathletes than young thin ones like her. In my eyes she got double gold.
My swim time was pretty awesome for me. I did it in 8:36 (eight minutes, thirty-six seconds) much better than I have ever done in practice. Next time will be better (and double the distance). As it was my first time all the people coming up behind me discombobulated me and I lost time letting the mob pass.
My eight miles on the bike was very slow, the first half of the four mile loop (2 miles) was a slight upgrade and I did the eight miles on my beach cruiser because I really want to take the mountain bike somewhere and get street tires and a check-up after its altercation with a car before putting it in a position of trust. It was slow and hard going. Coming around the first lap and knowing I was into the uphill again the excuse wheel began to spin, but there were my friends holding signs for me and cheering. I wasn’t about to let them or me down and just kept peddling.
My time was about what I expected. I predicted 85 to 90 minutes and completed it in 71 minutes 17 seconds. Again beating any practice times but really sloooooooow.
I used the beach cruiser partly cause of the needing to get the geared bike checked out, But also, and this was a big one, I am comfortable on it’s no gear and no power break turtle type solidness and fear was a HUGE part of what I was facing down in this whole triathlon. I have only been riding a bike, any bike, for a little over two months. I need practice, practice, practice. I need to learn how to use gears and my hand breaks in a way that doesn’t throw me over the bike. I am glad that I took Bessie as there were times when the real competitors were woooshing by that Bessie and I’s sympatico natures kept me from succumbing to fear. The one time I did let fear take over the reins I had a small spill and spent a couple minutes walking my bike before I got back on and finished.
Coming into the transition area my left knee sharply announced it was done and I dismounted a good 100 or so feet before I was supposed to dismount.
My run was the thing most affected by my October falls and mishaps. Dawn was waiting for me as I came into the transition area and paced me the whole way (Mind you AFTER she had already completed the same thing at a dead run) My left knee was screaming four letter words at me by the time I finished biking and did not want to run, walk or really do anything that required it to flex or extend or bear weight. But Dawn was there right beside me and quitting was not an option. I walked more than half of the run, so run time was 9:23. Still better than I predicted.
And guess what, I the Slow Old Fat Triathlete who in June of this year got breathless walking a mile, had never ridden a bycicle, and never taken a swimming lesson, then fell messing up her left knee Oct 3, got knocked down by her Golden retriever injuring her right knee on Oct 8 and THEN got hit on her bike by a car re- jacking her left knee again Oct 13, finished her race. (Yes, I am talking about myself in the third person.)
Better yet, I can’t wait for my next one.
So many thank-you’s to say: Rick, Dawn, and Phil Veatch who were all my trainers (Phil is the official trainer), Dallon as well, Jody and Steve, the staff at Backfit Chiropractic in Gilbert, Sara, Pat, Amie, Ken and Deena, the women in my training group, the nice lifeguard at the pool who got me the ice pack today, and others I know I am forgetting…I could not have done it without you.
..and also a special thank you to James Owen for the audiobooks that were the soundtrack for a lot of walking, running and stationary bike time the past few months. You and my son Rick are the examples that motivate me to focus not on the obstacles I need to overcome but how I will accomplish my dreams.
Lots of love to all of you who have followed the first lap of this journey, and it ain’t over yet! 400 meter, 12 mile ride, 5 k is my next race and I plan to beat my times a lot on my way there.
So I am thinking a lot more training is in order.
But now its time to sleep.
P.S. If I can do it, anybody can!
Transition bag is packed.
I am as ready as I am gonna get.
I can do the swim distance with minimal breaks and shooting for 10 minutes for the 200. Not a fast time just fast time for me. The thought of all the other bikers riding beside, past and around me freaks me out a little. Remember, it took me from June to August to get both feet on the pedals and turning, since then I have had a couple spills and a bit of a tosser with a vehicle but my bike riding skills are still in their infancy. I envision safety and just completing. Time is not a factor I am considering, but realistically 1.25 hours on my cruiser is probably a good prediction.
The run at the end will be interesting as well since my knees and ankle are still only three weeks from said toss up but I will give it my best, warm up those crazy legs and cross the finish line smiling.
Thanks all you supporters! And thanks to rereading the email from Trifamily, I will actually get to compete, I almost forgot my number and my race belt but remembered it. Now I am off to sleep. G’night.
Tomorrow I go from Slow Old Fat “Try”Athlete to Slow Old Fat Triathlete…although less fat than I was! If nothing else I have gone from a size 22/24 pants to a size 16!