So very much to write about, some of it exciting and new; some of it just the same struggles on a new day. I am remarkably calm and peaceful today, especially since I am 685$ and 48 hours away from homelessness and about that much overdrawn. I am breathing in slowly, then out again, off and on as the shenpa of fear (more fear of others reactions and what will I do about my dogs) or shame (in order to feel safe themselves people are more than happy to point out how I could have prevented this, if I am to blame, they need not feel guilty or at risk; and I am kind of a control freak so I keep trying to blame myself too, because then I could guarantee it would never happen again) comes rolling back in to claim me.
There are choices I should have made sooner, and two or three bouts of irresponsibilty (not even $300 worth total) where I just wanted to medicate the situation with books. How I got here only matters if I can change things, and I have changed everything I can. I am grateful that today I have a roof, some food and significantly less pain and nausea thanks to getting seeded last night before coming home, an amazing type of acupressure.
My weekend was full of pleasant surprises. Friday night met I some new authors, found a fabulous place to eat next time I am flush, and did my daily good deed as well as a full 10 hour shift with the singularly most adorable little patient in the world. The gentleman I walked all over downtown Mesa with needs to learn pathetic is not the best door into a ladies heart or pants (and DEFINITELY NOT this ones), but he was having a very bad day and it was his birthday weekend, and hopefully the company improved it. Although I think the fact I made it clear I was absolutely not interested in a hook-up will probably limit any future one on one, I look forward to being his friend as part of this new Geek FB group I joined.
Saturday I was the back-up plan for a gentleman whose date I assume canceled because he had an extra ticket at the last minute. He is handsome, charming and intelligent and kind, so probably won’t actually ask me out as a first choice, but I don’t care. I would gladly go on a real date with him, but even if I get to watch him find a better choice on the meetup site, I think he may have his eye on a someone, I have no regrets or hard feelings. That is the perfect kind of date or non-date, where the fun and company is the point. The night was an 11 on a 1-10 scale. Saw Carpenter’s “Thing” for the first time. Yes I screamed, and if he has any feeling left in his left arm and hand I will be surprised. LOL
Physically, the thing in my tongue is much, much smaller. I am coughing only rarely and so excited to actually get to return to training again this month. Slowly, slowly……today is my release to activity as tolerated after the car accident. Six months can be such a long time. I immediately started planning my runs and swims and bikes in my head, I swear my PT heard the wheels turning. “One activity at a time should be added, and go slowly or you will make everything worse again” Booooo! Except Yeah! that means if I use some discipline and reason, I can be ready for Sprint events the end of 2014, and maybe a full one by the end of 2015.
I am taking the suggestion of others who have dealt with crippling medical debt and am trying to add a donate button to my Blog, starting an Etsy store for my crafts, called the insurance company twice already today, am picking up another patient offered to me, am spending much less on gas by always combining trips, not going out much, etc; sticking to my bare bones budget; so there really isn’t more I can do today to change things.
Do I wish things were different, yes, I do. I wish money would magically appear in my Desert Schools Account, I wish I would go an entire week without physical pain, or the flashes of panic and misinformation that pain and my PTSD trigger, I wish I was healthy and beautiful and rich and could not only pay my own bills but help so many other friends and strangers who are struggling. I wish I was in love and safely in a long term commiteed relationship so I didn’t have to feel like just letting someone in was doing them a disfavor. Wishing and hoping, though, are no more helpful than blame, anger or self pity. Today I choose to be grateful. I am grateful to be alive, and to have a place to live; to have my life full of wonderful friends, both those I know and have built history with and those not yet met; I am so lucky and so grateful and I know it ill all turn out right in the end, because if it’s not right, it’s not the end. Today, I am not in charge of the movie, just my own actions.