Like most people, I am afraid of certain things. I am afraid of rejection. To me rejection looks like being laughed at, it is me being less because I am fat, it is being told I am acting stupid or more often told I am acting “too smart”.
I know I am not unique in that, because of my interests – comics, legos, science, math, sci-fi, games – many of my friends have social anxiety issues; because of my choices, body build and medical challenges, I am not naturally graceful nor am I thin; because of my broad travel and other non-geek interests – philosophy, social action, music, fine arts, classic literature, poetry – my friends and my knowledge base and perspective are frequently disparate.
It is very easy for me to use my chronic pain and fatigue to isolate and sit with my dogs in my house until fear of being terminally unique swallows me whole. I have been laughed at, rejected, humiliated and hated in my life; both friends and family have done their best at times to destroy my sense of self both publicly and privately. I have a thousand good excuses to be hopeless, helpless and chronically needy and depressed.
I just don’t really like doing that.
So I hope this revelation of my rampant introversion and social fear doesn’t jive with who you see in your head when you see me, because I really am working on being the kind of person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. Cuz guess what? Wherever I go, whomever I am with, there I am.
That is why I recently joined a Sci-Fi singles group, the one my last post promised a follow-up post about, well here it is: the guys were all hotter than their profile pics, two of the women were so beautiful I would have married them on the spot, and everyone I met of both genders were warm, friendly and pretty much awesome.
A while ago I got this little book at Changing Hands, the one in the picture, to motivate me back onto my wish track, (you know the road that makes “I just wish….” into “Guess what just happened..”) as I hit a bit of rubble the road and had once again been rolling back towards an old rut, this daily journal challenge seemed just the thing.
The problem is, owning something is not the same as using something.
Like many overweight try-athletes I own a dozen different videos and books about diet and exercise. If the only exercise I get is moving them from shelf to shelf or dusting them off, I am no stronger, and books on diet only translate to better diet through my reading the information and choosing to use the wisdom.
I used to be one of those people who excused my appearance and performance with the statement, “I have tried everything, nothing works.” I have changed that today into “If what I have been trying isn’t working, what can I do new today to move me towards my goal?”
Sometimes what I need to do to make a difference is just persist through multiple repetition of the same mundane action (walking anyone?), sometimes I have to break my wish down into tiny little bites and take small mouthfuls and chew very well (completing a full triathlon, building lasting relationships), but sometimes you just gotta close your eyes and dive in!
I had a lot of fun this weekend.
I was clumsy, and fat, and acted stupid, and mentioned my recent obsession with Hannah Arendt to roomful of people who I am pretty sure all just thought Huh?, and guess what, I was afraid.
But then I closed my eyes and dived in, and I had the best time ever.
I still ached, I almost threw up on a person while talking, I had gas and ripped a fart my man-children would have been proud of while sitting at a packed table playing CAH. Oh the joys of chemotherapy recovery, LOL.
I had a hard time thinking or talking straight, (knew that would hit this week-end so no shifts till Tuesday), lost my sunglasses, but most of all discovered that when I jumped, this time the parachute of friendship opened wide and the view was glorious.
If you are reading this and were any part of this very fun and happy post chemo celebratory week-end, Thank-you! I loves ya!
If you weren’t, lets make plans to do something that scares us soon!